Things people have said to me, and why it bothers me.

Before we get to the questions, I figure it would be helpful to provide a little background of myself and the work that I do.

I was born in Singapore, an island south to one of the most populous countries in South East Asia, Malaysia, where my ancestral roots have settled there since the 18th century from elsewhere. My mixed parentage though predominantly Asian — are a melting pot of cultures from multiple immigrant and trading ancestral origins like Persia (modern day Iran), China, Siam (modern day Thailand), Kalimantan Borneo, Sulawesi and Java Indonesia. I have been an entrepreneur and founder of software technology companies for the past 8–9 years. I consider myself a (female) founder from a minority background, one that is ethnically diverse and unique at the same time. At the risk of sounding self-absorbed one might say, I have spent the past couple years looking for a tribe who sees, hears and understands my soul — the update is — still looking. Perhaps there is a reason for this. I’ll explain in few paras.

Growing up, I often get singled out among my peers at school as being the odd one out. As children, my peers couldn’t tell what was it that made my skin lighter than the rest in the group, as such they referred to me as“ the fairest Malay girl I know.” Well, I did have a name but for some people — they would rather call me by what they could relate to best. One time in junior college, I had been accepted to this elite elective program for Malay Language, I noticed how I tried to fit in but still felt the indifference of the teachers and certain peers who even went as far as calling me the girl with almond Chinese eyes. I never asked to look or sound different, my genetic makeup is God-given and.. rest is nurtured? However remarks such as “you don’t sound like you speak Malay often at home” or “you sound a bit different.” There had been other comparisons and thus the labels that were used for the sake of convenience. I learned the hard truth about how certain racial stereotypes can get in the way of getting to know the real you.. *pause*. That’s probably an interesting post for another day.

So, “what are you?” From the taxi driver, to the customs officer and well-meaning strangers at the cafe. Having been traveling frequently between Singapore and Malaysia for the past couple years for business, the different roster of typically Malay (for a Malay ethnic majority country, not racial profiling here) custom officers would give me the ‘look’ or second look whenever they check my passport to verify this petite lady standing in front of them at the airport. It made for an awkward several seconds, thinking I got into some kind of trouble. The friendly ones would comment a thing or two such as “Saya sangkakan awak Cina, bukan Melayu…” = I thought you Chinese, not Malay…, “Oh Melayu rupanya…”= It appears you’re Malay , or else they would unabashedly call me ‘Amoi’ means little sister, which other races use to call young girls of Chinese descent.

Story of my life. As an adult, who is still not getting recognized properly by a section of the people who I supposedly represent from the eyes of the rest of the world. So what am I, I started asking myself lately.

Dating — I never had an issue dating one or two Malay guys during my teenage years. When the relationships didn’t work out, I realized later that I was a mere prize for being exotic. I also developed a trauma from having to please their mothers, from fulfilling the expectations of what a role model prospective daughter-in-law might look like. At one point, I did as much as spending weekends dinner dating with the parents and on our special festive season, coming over to help clear dishes from guests. Imagine how heartbroken I was learning about how one of my ex fantasized being married to a Chinese girl that I WAS NOT. He had still thought of her. Sucks…All these expectations affected me somehow to the point of questioning my own identity and worth. What’s wrong with me that there are people from the community I thought I belong to , that isn’t quite ready to embrace me? Nothing hits home as much as wanting to feel loved for who you are, just the way you are. Probably just a few cases of bad apples, one encounter those in any harvest. Life is about moving on, finding one’s true place among kindred spirits. Eventually.

My circle of friends — we are quite diverse, but the close few ones in Singapore thankfully are warm and welcoming. They may not truly understand what I am, what’s like coming from my background that is unlike theirs but that has not stopped us from interacting as well as forming deep bonds over the years. We haven’t been obsessed about racial or cultural background insofar as it being the disqualifying criteria in our circle. Rather it is our common identity as ambitious young women who want to ‘have fun while having funds.’ Ok before you judge us…Let me say we identify each other by the nature of our struggles, what we have overcome to become the person we are today, our life goals, our work ethic, our values as people first. That is nice. I wish more people could relate to these intangible elements of individual identity and proactively welcome me if that were the yardstick for any social invitations.

…Which I have been thinking about my community in Singapore quite a bit. Words in the rumor mill have it that our community has not produced enough young leaders to represent themselves on the technology startup stage. That one finds it rare to encounter eligible speakers from our background doing cool stuff. One of my angel investors recently got asked if he knew any Malay founder of a technology startup, ideally female. Perhaps it’s the Kamala Harris winning VP of USA effect. Maybe promoting gender equality as a 21st century #SDG has finally caught up as a critical missing ingredient in our innovation spaces. It has been three years since I departed Singapore to be based in Kuala Lumpur, where I have been building my current B2B liquidation marketplace startup, Pollen. I thought we would have my replacement, about now. Because they haven’t found one with an experience like mine, do I suddenly make myself visible? Do I volunteer? Are my achievements worthy enough to be seen as a role model for the community? What if my path is unconventional? I heard these words being said to me before, “You are not a typical Malay.” That is stopping me from volunteering. Because I was made to feel I am not like them, I therefore could not represent them to speak.

Do you feel me now? These subtle, micro -aggressions I experienced by people I thought are my people…It would have been different if done or said by an entire different ethnic group. Then again, what’s not going to be different about being different? You end up in novel situations. The sort broad general groups cannot relate to, necessarily and therefore miss out in terms of opportunities. That surely where the gold is for miners. Having the kind of lens only you can have, as an entrepreneur and innovator.